I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
