Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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