I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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