Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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