i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
