i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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