Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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