So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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