just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
