Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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