we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
