How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Every concussion has its silver lining
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
