Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
