After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
