Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
