He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
