If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
