hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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