my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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