I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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