Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
