you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
