I want to have your abortion
they need to just BURY HIM!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
