What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
