My friends, they love my intelligence
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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