im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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