Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
