she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
