im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
