I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
