A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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