I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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