So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
