so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
