Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I touched a dick in church today
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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