I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
