Your face is a jimmy john
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
