my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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