There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
