He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
