I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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