well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
