You're my little dorito
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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