I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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