Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
