i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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