If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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