he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
