Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
