Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
