My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
This baby is an asshole
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
