I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
