Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Randomize
