So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
