turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
