Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
