I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
