I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
