Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
