Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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