She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
